I have a vivid memory of being in eighth grade and making a folder of what my future would look like in so many years. The inside was full of a lot of things I don’t remember but the one thing I very clearly remember is that the upper inside corner just had pictures of babies all over it. I would tell people I wanted eight kids and so many people just laughed and thought I was crazy.
July 3, 2014, I found out was I pregnant with my first baby. I was shocked but so excited to finally become a mom. The circumstances weren’t ideal but I didn’t care – I had such a heart to be a mom and couldn’t wait for this chapter of my life to start. On August 1, 2014, I had my first appointment and was told there was no heartbeat. I was heartbroken and had a D&C a few days later.
I resolved to not let this affect my wanting to be a mom but it was hard to watch friends become pregnant and have their own children when it’s all that I wanted. I had nothing but hope and faith that one day I would finally get to share those special words on my social media, “We’re expecting!”
I met my husband at the end of January 2018 and we were married on November 30 of the same year. I found out I was pregnant from an at home test on January 2, 2019. My emotions were all over the place but I had faith that this baby would be my rainbow, my miracle. We found out in March 2019 that we were having a boy and decided on the name Chase Alexander then began counting down to when he would make his arrival.
It would be sooner than we imagined though. At 10:14 pm on June 20, 2019, Chase made his way into the world much earlier than anyone expected him to. We were overcome with heartbreak, as was everyone who was involved with our case. The nurse we had was absolutely wonderful and made sure the photographer came as soon as they could the next morning.
It was easy to tell that our photographer, Chelsea, cared about the process and made sure we had all the pictures we wanted.
She was even kind enough to get a picture of us with Chase and the pastors from our church praying over us while they were there.
When we told her what Chase’s name was, she told us that her brother was also named Chase and it felt like fate that she was meant to be part of this process. I can tell you that we are beyond thankful for these pictures.
Our family misses him every day and these pictures help us to remember that he was here; he lived and made an impact even if it wasn’t in the traditional sense as defined by the world.
My biggest comfort of the night when Chase was born was Romans 8:28 that rested over my heart in the few minutes after we were told that there was nothing more they could do for him: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” I know there will be good and there will be purpose from Chase’s life, as short as it was, even if it’s not as I originally had pictured it.
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