I jumped out of a plane the other day. Not because I have a death wish and not because I’m an adrenaline junky. I did it because the day I held you for the first time in my arms I promised you that I would live the life that you did not. I jumped out of a plane because, to me, that’s living.
I try to be a good man for you. I try to take care of your mother as best I can for you. I try to live my life the best way possible so that I know when I see you again you will be proud that I lived in honor of you. I try to be positive and look at the bright side of things because I feel that is what you would want. I feel that you would want me to be happy; I feel that you would want your mother and I to live a happy life. So we jumped.
I feel that it sucks sometimes that I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I feel like dads like me, who have the constant ache of the indescribable pain of a bereaved parent, don’t get the same type of support that your mom gets. Maybe it’s because we don’t let it show, or maybe we are just supposed to be strong. Sometimes it’s just hard and I wish I could scream but I don’t. It’s not because I feel like anyone would think I’m weak, it’s because I can’t scream. Instead I channel my anger, fear, and frustration into video games, watching TV, and other things to distract myself.
I don’t know how to make you proud of me but I’m trying. I’m trying to find what brings the most joy into our lives after learning your heart stopped beating.
I jumped out of a plane the other day, and I’ll do something else another day that will prove I live for you. I’m going to live one great life, one that you will enjoy watching over. I’m trying to make you proud of whom you choose to be your father. So, whether it’s taking care of your mom, raising your future brothers and sisters, or jumping out of a plane.
I will live, I will jump and I will honor because I am so proud you are my son.
I love you then, now, and always,
This is my seventh attempt at writing this letter. The last 15 months or so have taught me many things, but one thing I have learned for sure is words are inadequate. There is no way I can put into words the way you make me feel, but once again I am going to try.
“Held for a moment, Loved for a lifetime”
Of anything that I have read or written those are the words that resonate with me the most, and your mom and I have used them in your memory often.
These words are so true because I was only able to spend a few precious moments with you, but I think about you every day. I remember the joy that I felt when the nurse handed you to your mom, and when you reached out and looked up at us. I don’t think I will ever feel the same level peace I felt as your mom and I held you that day.
I want you to know that I would do anything to have you in my arms right now. I would do anything for just one more memory with you. However, what I want you to understand is that we love you. That no matter how long it’s been since you were with us you still fill our hearts with the love and joy we felt that day.
I love you.