It has been over a decade since my son died, since I donned the title, bereaved mother. It has been over decade since the last time I held him or kissed his precious face. The grief and pain can be so raw, that it feels like yesterday. But it feels like a lifetime since the last time I held him or touched him.
There is a fine line between life and death, and it is called time.
It seems like yesterday, but a decade is a lifetime ago. Some of us think we have a lot of time left in this world and that our children will outlive us. Sadly, some of us know, that time may be only spent in our wombs, or they could be only moments in our arms. But no matter the time, they will spend a lifetime in our hearts.
It doesn’t matter if you lost your precious baby yesterday, a year ago or fifty years ago. The pain can be so fresh and so raw that no amount of space in time can change that. But what about touch? Again it doesn’t matter. One day, a year, or fifty years, that last touch was a lifetime ago.
I have found that with my experience the pain and grief doesn’t go away. Grief is such a heavy weight. What I do know is that I have become stronger. Stronger to carry this grief with me throughout my life. Once I made friends with my grief, the weight adjusted throughout my body. I still have days when the pain and grief are so heavy, that I physically and emotionally hurt. But I can see the signs. This is when I know I need help. And when I say help, I mean I need to help myself.
There is nobody out there than can help you. There are people that can support you and gently guide you, but the help must come from you. There is no quick cure. There is no right or wrong. You have to do what is right for you. And if that means staying in bed for days on end…go for it. If it means seeking professional help, get it. If it means getting in touch with your body and nature, by all means do it! Over time, you will be able to see the signs that your grief is getting too heavy and you need to make adjustments. Pay attention to the seasons, to your body, to your emotions and moods.
Be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Make friends with your grief. It will be a lifelong companion.
~ Cheryl Haggard
Maddux’s Mom (I think he would think he is too old to be calling me Mommy.)