Providing a safe place…

May 11, 2022 was the most indescribable day of my life. I went in for a normal check, which was supposed to be a quick check of the heartbeat. I let the nurse know I haven’t been feeling the amount of movement that I normally do but I feel movement. It wasn’t what I expected in my last trimester but all is still new to me. This is my second pregnancy after 16 years so it’s a lot I don’t remember. I do remember her telling me to wait in the room the doctor will be with me in a minute after she finished my sonogram. 

As I waited, I remember a weird feeling as both of my OBGYN came in, they both sat down, and she looked at me and said, “she mentioned that you said you didn’t feel as much movement as you like, well there is no easy way to say this but the baby is deceased, there is no heartbeat.” And I immediately thought it was a joke. I asked her, “was she serious?”, and she replied yes, with tears in her eyes.

 I immediately lost it. I cried at the top of my lungs. I couldn’t understand why this happened. What just happened? How can I feel movement if the baby is deceased? Of course, babies float in the amniotic sac of fluid so the feeling moment is still normal. I felt stupid, like why didn’t I count kicks? I immediately blamed myself for it all. The doctor assured me that I did everything right and I was one of her healthy patients, and unfortunately, it happens with no physical explanation. I had no answers at all. 

For my safety, I was ordered to go check into the hospital the same day (on my own time) to check in for same-day delivery. My mind just couldn’t process it all and still trying to figure out what just happened. How can I tell my daughter who waited 16 years for her baby sister? How can I tell my loving partner that I won’t be delivering his first child? I had one job, delivering a baby…apparently, I failed. I remember calling my partner with tears in my eyes, my voice shaky, and telling him we lost our baby girl. The aches and pains that ran through my body seemed unbearable and numbing at the same time. 

I went home to prepare a bag and I immediately went into a denial stage, I told myself when I got to the hospital they would find a heartbeat. I also rubbed my stomach and cried out to her, “Wake up Islah please, fight baby girl fight, you can do this, I’m so sorry,  I love you, Wake up, you can do it, fight baby girl fight.” I sat there and just begin to understand she was gone. My little girl was gone. I wouldn’t be bringing her home.

Later that day when I check into the hospital I saw new moms coming out with their bundles of joy, dads coming in with balloons of the arrival of their newborn, and there I was sitting in the waiting room filled with tears, sorrow, and pain as I waited to prepare to deliver my baby girl knowing she is gone. I mean, I went in for a normal check-up and ended up delivering my baby the same day. How could this be? 

At almost 10pm that night I delivered my sweet girl via c-section, Islah Alexandria Jordan on May 11, 2022…she was so beautiful. Almost 2lbs 16.5 inches long. She was perfect! Her toes, her fingers, her ears, her hair, and our love were just perfect. I just stared at her, taking it all in, I didn’t want to miss anything about her. From her high cheekbones to her hairline, and down to her cute little feet. While no parent should have to bury their child, just to see her sweet face I would do it all over again. Those 3 days I got to spend with her were worth it. It was worth the sorrow and the pain. 

When Roxanne came in from NILMDTS, she was the light we needed. She knew what to say and her warmth in that room made the pain go away for a while. She handled our sweet girl with care and so much love. The pictures she took we can cherish for a lifetime. Islah was ours, she was here, and she was a real baby full of life. Islah was strong and she came with a purpose. Islah choose us! For that, we are grateful and honored. Although I may not understand just yet, our sweet girl made the biggest impact with such a short life. 

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is an organization that parents like us need. It’s a place where we can remember, honor, and leave a legacy for our babies when the world tells us to get over it. I’m so grateful that I have a safe place to go while knowing that I’m not alone. Nothing will bring our Islah back but I’m truly blessed that we have a place for her to be remembered. Islah Alexandria Jordan we love you, we miss you dearly, and we will continue on with your legacy…Until we meet again.

Islah Alexandria Jordan  5-11-2022

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