If you’ve been following our family’s journey over the years, you’ve usually read these birthday updates written by my wife, Ali. She has always had a beautiful gift for putting into words the heartbreak, the hope, and the profound love we carry for our son, Zachary. But as we reach this major milestone—15 years since Zachary came into our world sleeping—I felt it was time for me to step forward and share my heart.

Fifteen.

It’s a big, milestone number. It’s driver’s permits, high school sports, deepening voices, and late-night talks about the future. Especially right now, as our home is filled with the wonderful, beautiful chaos of three growing kids, three dogs, and two bunnies, the passage of time feels strikingly real. Vivian will be turning 14 just a month after Zachary’s 15th birthday, Conner is 12, and Claire is 10.

Living in the middle of all that life, I often wonder who Zachary would be today. With Vivian out at the barn riding horses and Claire giving everything on the soccer field, I wonder if he would have shared that athletic, outdoor passion. Or would he have taken after me?

Lately, Conner has really stepped into a deep passion for video games and computers. Sharing that with him—sitting gaming together—has been one of my greatest joys as a dad. But every time we jump into a game together, I can’t help but wonder: Would Zachary have been right there with us, headset on, taking down bosses as a team? Would he have out-teched his mom and become the tech wizard of our smart house, or would he have been out at sports practices with his sisters?

While we didn’t get to watch him grow up, fatherhood doesn’t end just because your child isn't in your arms. Being Zachary’s dad is still one of the greatest privileges of my life. Over the past 15 years, I’ve had to learn what it means to parent four children—three in our lively, pet-filled home and one who lives in our hearts.

Zachary by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Vicki Zoller

People sometimes ask—or wonder silently—how a father holds onto that connection after so many years, especially with a busy household to manage. For me, honoring Zachary isn’t always about big, grand gestures. It’s found in the quiet, everyday ways I carry him with me.

Here are a few ways I still honor my son:

The Ring on My Finger

If you look closely at my hand, you’ll notice I no longer wear my traditional wedding band. Instead, on my ring finger, I wear a custom ring my wife and I had made specifically to honor Zachary containing his birth stone. It carries his memory with me into every handshake, every job, every game controller I pick up, and every hold on my kids' hands. It’s a physical mark of both my commitment to our marriage and my permanent role as Zachary’s dad.

Seeing Him in His Siblings

One of the most meaningful ways I experience Zachary today is through Vivian, Conner, and Claire. They know about their big brother, and he is a natural part of our family story. When I watch Vivian’s dedication to horseback riding, see Claire’s fiery competitive spirit on the soccer field, or bond with Conner over a new video game, I catch glimpses of what might have been. Raising them is a daily reminder of the gift of fatherhood that Zachary first gave me.

In the Quiet Moments and Work with My Hands

I've never been someone who sits down specifically to "process" things. For me, thinking about Zachary happens organically—often when I’m out in the garage working on a project or just having a moment to myself while the house is busy. It’s not a planned ritual; it’s just the natural way I carry him along with me through the work of daily life.

Speaking His Name Out Loud

Truthfully, I’m not always the one to bring Zachary up in conversation. That quiet nature is just part of how I carry my grief. But because my wife works with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, Zachary’s memory and legacy are woven naturally into our home every single day. Hearing about the families NILMDTS serves or seeing the heart my wife puts into her work keeps Zachary top of mind for me and our kids constantly. It’s a gentle, daily reminder of his ongoing impact on our lives and so many others.

Leading Our Family with Love and Gratitude

Grief changes you, but watching my wife navigate the loss of our son—and then watching us build a life together filled with joy, noise, and four wonderful kids—showed me a level of strength I admire every single day. Honoring Zachary means being the best father I can be to Vivian, Conner, and Claire, and protecting the loving foundation we’ve built for them.

Celebrating Him on His Birthday

Every year on this day, our family stops to celebrate. It isn't just a day of mourning; it’s the anniversary of the day I became a father for the first time. We usually pause normal life—taking a break from work and school. We make cupcakes or cookies to take to the night nurses at the hospital, pick up balloons to take to his bench, spend time outdoors, and end the day with a special dinner together. Today isn't just about missing him; it's about honoring a 15-year legacy of unconditional love.

To anyone reading this who is carrying the quiet weight of being a grieving parent—especially the dads who are balancing past loss while showing up for the kids in front of them—know that your love and your loss matter. You don't have to move on; you just learn how to carry them forward with you.

Happy 15th Birthday, Zachary. I love you, son, and I am so proud to be your dad—and to watch you watch over your sisters and brother.

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