It was September 12, 2023. I went to work that morning after having my baby shower the weekend prior. We were showered with love, and we were excited that we only had up to four more weeks until our first baby girl, Halle, would finally be in our arms.

Halle was mine and my husband Joel’s first baby, and after spending almost nine years together, we were so excited for this next step in our lives.

Something felt off that morning. I don’t remember feeling Halle move. I told myself that she was probably sleeping, or that since I had an anterior placenta, it was hard for me to feel her move unless it was big movements.

During my 30th week of pregnancy, I stayed overnight at the hospital due to lack of fetal movement. Everything ended up being perfectly fine, and I was embarrassed that I went in and nothing was wrong. During that time, I had the most wonderful nurse who cared for me. Her name was Maya. She told me not to be embarrassed—that’s what they were there for. “Anytime you feel like you want to come in, just come in and we will check you out,” she said.

Halle by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Melanie Rodger

That morning, I kept hearing Maya’s voice in my head telling me, “Just come in.” So Joel and I grabbed our already packed hospital bags and went off to the hospital.

During the drive, I had this weird mix of excitement and nervousness. I remember thinking to myself that we might get to meet our baby girl today—that we would finally get to hold her in our arms and feel her warmth and unconditional love.

When we arrived at the hospital, the first face I saw was Maya’s. I remember thinking, “Oh thank God, a familiar face and a friend.”

They sat me down on a bed, squeezed the frigid jelly on my belly, and placed the fetal monitors. It was silent. We were all straining to hear a heartbeat. Maya looked at me and said, “I’m going to grab the doctor. She is still small, so it’s harder to pick up.”

My doctor, Dr. B, walked in and I felt a little relief—it was another familiar face. He grabbed the ultrasound and started to scan my belly. I saw my beautiful girl. The room went silent. Dr. B looked at me with sadness in his eyes and said, “I’m so sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”

My vision went to the screen and I screamed, “Look again now!” He scanned again, showing me where her heart should be beating, and we all saw it lying still. Tunnel vision set in, my head went hot as panic and pain crashed into me. Nausea filled my body, and all I could do was scream and cry.

For the next day and a half, our family gathered all around Joel and me—holding us, crying with us, praying over us—because it felt like the only thing to do in a time like this. I could barely breathe as the sadness seeped into me at every moment. I lay in that hospital bed where we all should have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our Halle.

Wondering what color eyes she had. Imagining what her personality would be like. Most importantly, hearing her cry as she was born. Instead, we lay there with tears streaming down our faces—a lifetime of wondering, and the gift of grief embedded in us until we are dust in the wind, like it’s a new personality trait.

During that time, Maya told me about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep—a nonprofit with photographers who come to hospitals to take and edit photos of babies who have passed, or who have been diagnosed with a life-threatening condition. I immediately knew I wanted that for us. I needed photos of my baby. I needed photos that weren’t going to remind me that she was gone. I wanted photos where she looked well and alive, just sleeping peacefully.

On September 14, 2023, at 3:00 a.m., our daughter was delivered. Her beauty beyond belief lit up the room. There she finally was. But looming over us was the reality that her soul was already gone. I held her close, examining every inch of her, trying to ingrain the moment in my head for a lifetime.

As time passed, Halle’s body began to discolor, and it became harder and harder to handle. We made the choice to say, “Goodbye, and see you in heaven someday.”

Halle by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Melanie Rodger

Melanie from NILMDTS arrived after we had said our goodbyes. She offered to take photos of Halle with us, but we thought that would be too hard and chose instead to have only solo photos of her. Sometimes I feel like I regret that decision, but I know in my heart it was the right choice for us at the time.

Melanie greeted us with such sympathy and compassion. She shared that her own son had passed away 12 years earlier, and that she had been forever changed. She wanted to help parents like us in any way possible. She explained the process of the photos to Joel and me and asked if we had any questions. Through tears, I asked, “How am I going to survive?”

She looked at me with sorrow in her eyes and told me the truest thing anyone said to me at that time: “I’m not sure, but you will. Your days will keep going and you’ll learn how to live this new life.”

Melanie gave us many resources and told me about the amazing community of families who had been through similar situations. She made sure I knew I wasn’t alone—and that if nothing else, she was there for me.

She took the most beautiful photos of our Halle girl. They are now displayed all around our home and the homes of many of our friends and family. Melanie not only gave us the gift of a lifetime in those photos, but also the gift of friendship, love, and support.

We still talk to this day. On my hardest days, I reach out to her, and she always replies. She has been a light in all my darkness—giving me strength to keep going, to share Halle’s story, and to be a resource for other moms walking the same path.

I want to urge families—if you are ever in a situation where someone suggests NILMDTS, don’t hesitate. Say yes. You will be so thankful you made that choice.

Thank you, Melanie, and thank you, NILMDTS. You have forever changed my life.

Halle by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Melanie Rodger

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a dedicated 501(c)(3) non-profit, offers families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss with complimentary remembrance portraits, capturing precious moments with their babies. Your generous donation can help us extend this heartfelt service to more families in need. Please consider supporting us here.