To my dearest, dearest son, Yedidya

From the moment I saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test, I was smitten. My pregnancy with you was normal, almost too normal. All my numbers were always fine, and at the scans you always measured exact for your age. I started feeling you moving around at 14 weeks already, and you were such an active little one! I loved the constant companionship we shared then.

When daddy and I found out that you were a boy, we were thrilled! We were so excited to have our first son. We couldn’t wait for your two older sisters to have a little baby brother!

I immediately started shopping for a wardrobe fit for a prince. I bought you the cutest blue clothes and the softest grey blankets. Back then we were blissfully innocent.

One regular Thursday, on the way home from work, I started feeling cramps. Then I realized that I hadn’t felt you all afternoon. I didn’t panic, instead I simply arranged a babysitter for your sisters and daddy and I hurried off to the hospital, with our hearts in our throats.

I lay there on the bed in the hospital, as the midwife tried desperately to find your heartbeat. She then brought in an ultrasound machine to have a better look, and there, in front of our eyes, we saw the 4 chambers of your heart, perfectly formed. And perfectly still.

Yedidya, you were born later that evening, at 2.06am on Friday 5th November 2021. Labor was hard, even with all the pain relief that they could give me, and then suddenly you were born.

You were beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I held you, and I hugged you as my tears ran unchecked down my face.

But we didn’t take you home with us. Your sisters didn’t get to meet you. We had to leave you behind. Walking out the emergency exit doors of the hospital without you – was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Didya, I think about you every single day. And I miss you every single day. And I will continue to miss you and to love you for the rest of my life.

What I find hard, is that people refuse to acknowledge you. No one asks me about you, no one talks about my son who is no longer here.

Just because your heart stopped beating, does that mean that all those months I was pregnant with you just didn’t happen?

Just because your heart stopped beating, does that mean that the painful and long labor didn’t happen?

And just because your heart stopped beating, does that mean that I never held you in my arms???

And when I mention that I have a son who was a born sleeping, person get uncomfortable, and move away. They don’t want to know.

But Dids, I will never forget you. I will always carry your memory in me. And I will always, always wish that I could give you another kiss.

I love you my precious boy,

XX, Mummy

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