The joy of what is meets the grief of what if: Being a mom after experiencing a loss

“Did you know that glacier ice is pink?”

Before my eyes open for the day I generally learn something new. One day may be pretending to be a lizard. Today it was glaciers. Yesterday, dinosaurs. The day before it was Wesley’s favorite planet at the moment (Mars, because of the volcanos). These are the moments I was waiting for from the moment that second line on the test turned up, although, sometimes I do wish they’d come after a bit more sleep.

It’s summer so right now we spend our days playing catch in the backyard, going to the pool, 

Wesley turns five this year, but I became a mom two years before he was born. And I hug him a little tighter as I think about the older brother he’ll never get to meet. I hug him differently, I savor moments differently, I lose my patience differently. 

I believe I am a very different mom to Wesley because I first became a mom to Caleb. My heart is different than it would have been without first losing Caleb. 

Baby Caleb Akin

I will never forget the sweet doctor trying to carefully tell me that something may be wrong and needed another scan. At twenty weeks pregnant we began what felt like a never ending tour of bad news. Specialist after specialist confirming and expanding on each other’s findings. Sometimes with …