Baby SJ by NILMDTS Affiliate Photographer Kat Hill

I still remember my first Father’s Day after SJ passed away, and how hard it was.

My wife and I had been trying for so long to start a family, and we were so excited when we found out we would finally be parents. That joy turned to heartbreak when, at twenty weeks, we received SJ’s diagnosis confirming his terminal condition.

With SJ being our firstborn, that made my first Father’s Day incredibly difficult. Anyone who knows me also knows that I lean into optimism and positivity. However, even with my naturally positive outlook, SJ’s absence weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I was committed to not making that day about my sorrow, but instead a celebration of who SJ was. I also wanted to honor my own father, who I am so lucky to have been raised by, and to celebrate my brother and friends who were thriving in fatherhood.

I felt that being sorrowful would be a disappointment to SJ. But looking back now, I recognize that grief may be one of the truest ways we express our love. Grief is a reflection of how deeply we love. We cannot grieve what we do not love, so why would I not allow myself to express how much I love SJ? Over time, through healing, I have come to realize that there is nothing wrong with wishing he was still here.

What better way to honor him than to simply say, “I want you here with me.”

This Father’s Day marks my fifth since SJ left us. While they do not get easier, I have found new ways to honor him that bring comfort. My wife and I have chosen special places to lay some of his ashes. It has become a tradition for us to visit one of those places and spend time with him in our own way. We don’t always make it something elaborate, it’s often just a quiet and meaningful time to feel like we are with him.

I try to think of him every single day through small, personal things. I absolutely love making him a part of everything I do. At work, I have a little heart shaped note with his name on it next to my keyboard that always brings a smile. When I golf, I have his initials on my glove near my thumb so I see them before every shot. When I listen to worship music, I often include the songs that remind me of him. I find joy in discovering new ways to keep his memory alive and love including him in our family’s daily life.

As I reflect on what this Father’s Day means to me, I cannot help but think about the impact that Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep has had on my life and my family. As SJ’s birth approached, I remember feeling unsure about whether taking photos with him was a good idea. Looking back now, I can say without a doubt that it was the best decision we could have made. Being able to remember him through beautiful photos brings me so much healing. I can still recall those moments so vividly, and we now have those images to help us see him in his siblings and cousins. These photos have brought SJ into the daily lives of our friends and family as well. Many of them have his pictures in their homes. He is remembered often by so many who love him, and we are all able to appreciate his beautiful and perfect face every day.

A few years after SJ passed, my wife gave birth to our son Jameson. Now, we are joyfully awaiting the arrival of our baby girl. The love we have for these children is overwhelming, and I cannot help but thank SJ for that. He taught us how precious life is and how each moment matters. For the few hours we had with him, we had everything we could have dreamed of. We gave him everything we could in his entire life, and all he ever knew from us was love. That experience has shaped me as a father. I now pour my heart into every moment I share with my children. There is so much beauty and fulfillment in parenthood, and I am grateful to SJ for giving me the perspective to cherish every second.

To the father who is experiencing his first Father’s Day while grieving the loss of a child, I want to encourage you to let it out this year. Pour your heart out with the people you love. Do not hide from what you feel. Sorrow is not a sign of weakness. Vulnerability is one of the greatest signs of strength. Our children deserve our deepest love, even when that love is expressed through grief.

Find ways to honor your child that bring you peace in the midst of pain. Share your sorrow with those who care for you, so the weight of it can be shared. Allow yourself to begin healing. And remember, healing is not forgetting. It is a way of honoring those we have lost.

To all the loving fathers reading this, happy Father’s Day.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a dedicated 501(c)(3) non-profit, offers families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss with complimentary remembrance portraits, capturing precious moments with their babies. Your generous donation can help us extend this heartfelt service to more families in need. Please consider supporting us here.