Baby Adrian Steele by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Jeremy Lau

Adrian is our firstborn, and thankfully, we were able to conceive quickly after deciding to start a family. We still went through some checks, though, as I had a miscarriage when I was younger, and we wanted to ensure that nothing from that experience would impact our efforts to get pregnant again. I found out I was pregnant with Adrian in February, and it felt like everything was lining up perfectly. I’ve always loved fall and was looking forward to having a fall baby. As a teacher, my second trimester aligned perfectly with summer break, allowing me to spend a month with my students when we returned to school—it all felt perfect.

During my pregnancy, I experienced typical morning sickness that lasted all day long, along with exhaustion and bloating. I had mixed feelings about it; I loved and hated those symptoms at the same time. However, I did have some significant scares. Toward the end of my first trimester, I experienced bleeding and cramps that led me to the emergency room. Since I was under 20 weeks pregnant, I was sent directly to the ER, where I underwent an ultrasound and then an MRI. Afterward, it was determined there was nothing else to do. I was told I might be having a miscarriage, could possibly have appendicitis, or simply be experiencing "lightning crotch" due to spasms. This left me panicked, but the only option was to go home and wait it out. Thankfully, it turned out to be just the spasms, and I returned to teaching and continuing my pregnancy.

My second trimester went well. We traveled a bit and created beautiful memories. We took photos in front of sunrises on top of volcanoes, went swimming in the ocean, and even got bumped into by a sea turtle, which is considered good luck! My husband and I enjoyed some of our favorite activities, like visiting arcades, where I built up quite a collection of stuffed animals from the claw machines for Adrian.

As I entered my third trimester, my sister, mother, and I planned my baby shower.

We chose a theme called "Our Next Adventure," incorporating woodland animals, fairies, forests, moss, and flowers throughout the event.

Two days before the shower, my grandmother, mother, and sister came from out of town to celebrate with us. However, my husband and I found ourselves back in the emergency room due to my difficulty breathing and inability to cool down. We spent the day there undergoing testing and a CT scan. After that, we waited with a nurse from Labor & Delivery to monitor Adrian's heartbeat. It took some time, but everything was eventually resolved, and we were given the okay to go home.

The next day, we celebrated my birthday and prepared for my baby shower with my family. I had never felt so loved and fortunate, and at that moment, everything felt perfect. What I didn’t realize was that the day of the shower would be the last time I would feel my baby alive. It was the final occasion to feel his kicks and movements, as well as the first and last time some of my family members got to touch him.

                                                                          Baby Adrian Steele by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Jeremy Lau

The day after my shower, I felt a heaviness settle in; it was as if the weight had settled on my spine, making everything seem more challenging. My family went home that day, and there were numerous clean-up tasks and airport trips. I hadn’t noticed that I hadn’t felt Adrian move at all throughout the day until everything was settled. The next morning, I woke up and touched my belly, wondering why I wasn’t feeling my usual kicks. I went downstairs, grabbed the orange juice, and drank straight from the bottle. Then, I lay down on my side and waited to feel any movement.

An hour passed, and I felt nothing.

I went to the fridge, grabbed every juice leftover from the baby shower, drank everything, and even ate some of the leftover cake—anything sugary to get my baby moving. I sat down for another 30 minutes before my husband came downstairs to check on me. At that point, we decided to call the hospital to see if we needed to come in.

I couldn't even get through talking to the nurse on the phone before I started crying. I couldn't give her my birth date or any information, so I handed the phone to my husband. We packed our bags. I had hopefully grabbed the prepacked diaper bag I had received as a gift just 30 hours before. I think I knew, though, that we had lost Adrian. I didn't want to give up on him; I wished and hoped as we drove to the hospital. Holding hands with my husband and not saying a word, I hoped we might drive home with a baby in the backseat.

Adrian's heartbeat was never detected. We tried two ultrasound readings, and nothing showed up. I still vividly remember watching my husband's face while he watched the ultrasound. I remember seeing him shake his head when he looked back at me. The pain shook me, and the shock made it almost impossible to digest what was happening. Our plans for Adrian and us were suddenly dust in the wind. And all that I felt was lost.

In the next 24 hours, I had a cesarean section and delivered Adrian at 8:30 PM, a month earlier than his due date. This occurred just days after my birthday, my baby shower, and the start of the school year.

The time passed quickly. Everyone was incredibly kind to us, offering support and asking if we would like to have some photos to remember Adrian by. I agreed immediately; I didn’t want the only images of my baby to be those where we couldn’t actually see him. I needed to remember what he looked like and have something to look back on whenever I thought of him.

                                                                                Baby Adrian Steele by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Jeremy Lau

That’s where Jeremy came in. He arrived the day after my c-section and helped us get some much-needed photos of Adrian. Jeremy gently cared for my baby, placing him in positions that looked like he was peacefully sleeping. Then he invited my husband and me to join in for photos with Adrian, a decision I will never regret. Jeremy was incredible with the photography; he guided us on how to position ourselves and had wonderful ideas for the shots.

He worked with us patiently, ensuring I never felt rushed or uncomfortable. He even included my mother in the photos after she flew back from Arizona to be with us.

Not long after, we received some photos from NILMDTS and Jeremy. This was shortly before we had to let Adrian go to the morgue. Getting a few of those photos back so quickly was essential to my healing process. I found myself returning to them repeatedly, absorbing every pixel of my baby’s images. Later, when we received the full album, my husband and I sat together and went through the photos. We cried and held each other, longing for our little boy yet grateful to have these images to remember him by.

Jeremy was the kindest, most compassionate person, and I truly appreciated the time he spent with us.

I understand that this must not be easy for anyone, but it certainly meant the world to us. Now, looking back four months later, I frequently revisit those photos. I cherish the memories of us holding our baby, our hands wrapped around his, and the bittersweet moments of us all being together. I know I would have been much worse off if I hadn’t had these pictures.

To learn more about volunteering as an Affiliated Photographer please visit: nowilaymedowntosleep.org/volunteer

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a dedicated 501(c)(3) non-profit, offers families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss with complimentary remembrance portraits, capturing precious moments with their babies. Your generous donation can help us extend this heartfelt service to more families in need. Please consider supporting us here.